Bar Talk with Braa Gee
A nation of porn stars.
Why, oh why, in the name of all that is adulterous, lecherous, lustful and sex-crazy do people insist on capturing images of their naked and often unappetising privates to send into cyberspace?
By now surely it should be clear to every Thabo and Tafadzwa that anything you put on your mobile phone will soon be leaked and shared.
So why do people insist on taking pictures and videos anyway? Could it be that we have become a nation of porn stars? Or is it that the activity for procreation has been overused for recreation to such an extent that in itself it is no longer fully scintillating and participants must heat up the game through sharing pictures of their dalliances and organs?
Unless your name is Pokello and you intend to use the resultant leaks to get to the continental idiotic show-piece, or you are Katie Middleton who will get sympathy from the media, we advise you NOT to ever pose for any belfies (bum selfie) or any other pornographic image.
Who cast the first stone?
We could not help laughing at the story of layabouts along Angwa taking their frustration out on a poor guy based on the accusations of an obviously bitter loser. We wondered which one of them dared to land the first fist in the name of morality.
We just found it weird that these brothers who make their living out of selling stolen merchandise and sleight of hand tricks to substitute the handset that they have shown you for a sand filled dud felt they had the right to teach another human being about principles and ethics.
But then again, we don’t know why we are so surprised when we live in a world full of hypocrites who expect you to do as they say not as they do. Just look at the way that the leaders of churches all claim to be saints then many go on to fornicate and steal like hell does not exist!
Dog section
We are trying to make up our minds as to whether the proposed dog audit – or should that be census, a good idea. We certainly don’t like stray dogs going around depositing the proceeds of their pilfered takings all over our non-verdant roads. But tell us again how our welfare will be improved by the city authorities knowing the exact number of dogs in town. Incidentally, does the city vaccinate the dogs in return for licences? So may we suggest that the city forgets about knocking on people’s doors and just go for the strays? Dog nap them or shoot them on sight.
We are off to join the diamond raining church
Okay, we thought we had heard it all, but polished diamonds raining down on the congregation? That is brand new and innovative and we love it. In fact we might even consider abandoning the usual place in preference of the diamond raining church.
But before we actually give up our choice stools at the bar, we need to ask a few questions. First of all, did this amazing shower come from the sky or did it come from the roof of a building? But even more important; did the congregates get to pick and keep the stones that had fallen like manna from heaven?
Why did none of them post pictures on WhatsApp, Viber, Facebook or whatever instead of leaving their hard working leader to approach the papers with this wonderful news by his lonesome self? And did the man upstairs learn polishing skills from mere humans?
And we would also like to know what the minister with a name which shows that his one forbearer was a true blue regular think of all this. We would not like to find ourselves on the wrong side of the law for illegally dealing in miracle diamonds.
Get rich quick, start a housing scheme
We are off to start a housing scheme. We are selling stands in Harare Gardens and if you come on Tuesday we will be having the minister of so and so officiating at the official launch of the project. We have partnered with the municipal authorities and Government is putting their support fully behind the initiative which is in line with Zim-Asset.
Of course you understand that demand is high and opportunity is limited as this is the most prime piece of real estate in the country. To stand a chance please deposit US$5 000 into our account and before you know it, you will be pitching your shack right there in the centre of the park.
We have come to believe that there is no earthly creature as gullible as a home seeker. This animal will pay anyone who promises that in a short while the said animal will be a landlord or landlady and not a lowly lodger or tenant.
So every day the police, the court and the media are forced to deal with cases of people who have taken the shirt off their back to hand it over to some smooth talking con artist who is now living large. And you would think that people will learn, no. More of them are soon making a beeline to give yet another smooth talking cheat their savings. Well, our anger is mounting at the thieving vagabonds but also at our fellow people for keeping on keeping on, handing over their money that is. There is a phrase dear regulars, it is called “Due diligence” and we urge you to try it sometime before you hand over your dollars.
Land is not like a packet of sugar that you can even buy from the roadside vendor. Use registered lawyers and you will never regret the expense. Because even if the lawyer puts their hand in the cookie jar, there is a fund that will compensate you even though the wily lawyers will not publicise that fact.
Money pours out while we moan
We once promised to upend our drinks all over the perennial moaners of this country who are always complaining that things are unbearably tough while they quaff the usual and consume huge quantities of expensive fast food.
As if to prove our point, dear Paypal which once refused to have anything to do with us is now the latest to jump onto the ‘get mullah out of Zim’ bandwagon. Yes, tellingly Paypal is now allowing us to pay their merchants like Amazon, thus allowing even the humblest of us to enjoy some internet shopping. But there is no reciprocal arrangement for American customers to buy our stone carvings from Zimbabwean galleries. So the maths is easy even for the numerically challenged like Bra Gee, there is loads of money to wring out of Zimbabwe even though the locals are always claiming to be broke and all the financial experts are always ready to paint a gloomy picture.
Till next week, bottoms up!
Facebook: Bra Gee, Email: brageesbar@gmail.com